I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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