Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
