haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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