Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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