you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
