zippers are such a cool invention
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
