Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
