Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
