Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
