I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
