The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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