Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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