You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
