My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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