Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
