The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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