On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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