The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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