I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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