Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
