So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
