I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
