I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
