Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
