u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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