They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
