I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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