I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Randomize
