Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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