I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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