Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
