thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
