she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
