Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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