I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So gin and wine won't be happening again
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
