Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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