I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
