so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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