I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
