Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
