I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
