Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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