I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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