life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
