Don't make out with my wife yet
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
