I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
