you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
