Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
