So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
