dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
